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When you are not in the mood for sex
When you are not in the mood for sex, what do you say when your partner wants to have sex? Especially in these times, where so much attention is paid to “standing up for your rights”, “guarding your boundaries” and “listening to your heart”, the obvious answer to this question will quickly be: “no”. In many situations, this is an understandable answer.
“No” is the likely answer
If you ask others what to do in this situation, you will get answers like:
- ‘No, never ever do this.’
- ‘No, never, ever, allow yourself to feel pushed towards something you don’t like.’
- ‘No, and never feel ‘wrong’ if you say so.’
- ‘No, never say yes just to please.’
You may always say “no”
I am not talking here about situations where someone is trying to force you to do something you do not want. Guarding your own limits is your own, first, most important responsibility, and an act of self-love.
Here I am talking about a situation with a partner who knows you well, who you love or who you like, and who you trust.
So indeed, saying “No” is always your right. Caring for yourself, listening to your own feelings and listening to your own heart is always crucial. Never forget that!
But find roads that maintain the connection
What I do want is to put some light on the dilemma of (sometimes seemingly) different desires of partners. If your partner invites you, verbally, non-verbally/physically, for sex and you are not in the mood? Then listening to your feelings seems to result in an almost automatic no-answer. In this article, I want to invite you to look for options, and I am offering you some. Options that may help to come (together) from this dilemma of different wishes. To find each other.
In the relationship with my ex, my “no” was so structural at a certain point that we could not get out of it. That we could no longer find each other in intimacy, nor in sex. With reasonably disastrous consequences for the relationship. I then decided not to let it go that far in the future. To search for ways in which I remained true to myself and my feelings, but with more respect and love for (the feelings and wishes) of my partner. Towards ways in which intimacy and connectedness remain and deepened.
The results of my search for how I can be and stay connect4ed to my partner, also physically/sexually, can be found in this article.
- Note: I use the situation that “he” invites “her”, but of course, this can also be the other way round. Then change “he” and “her” to “she” and “his”.
But it’s not as simple as it seems
I think the question might be better formulated if we ask ‘Do you feel like connecting?‘ I am sure many of you had experiences where we weren’t in the mood, yet agreed to just connect intimately (no goal) and had the most beautiful sexual experience after. So being ‘in the mood’ might be a little overrated. If we just connect we allow the energy to flow and the desire to build often resulting in mind-blowing sex.
Still, I am touched by this question, because maybe the No-answer might seem what you want, and is quickly said, but on second thought, this question really has a lot of nuances.
Maybe you felt a strong and direct answer to this question. But I would like to ask you: wait a minute before you answer. Go a bit deeper into yourself, feel what’s behind your first reaction, see if this is a true feeling from the heart or a reaction from your mind or ego.
Quick, unconscious response
I know this situation, I know how it is, I sometimes feel this ‘no’. No, I am not in the mood. No, I am sleepy. Or: no it’s too late. No, because we had a fight earlier this day. No, because it’s just that you need something from me. Or just: I don’t know why, but it’s no!
But many of these “no’s” are quick reactions to unconscious feelings. Simply no desire for it, it is possible, of course, but often we don’t really investigate the (concrete or indirect) demand of our partner. We are not seriously considering what our answer to this question could be.
So, investigate the question
If you consider the nuances of this question, if you investigate the question seriously, you will encounter various aspects.
- Is this ‘no’ really what you want to say or is it a: yes, if only….
- Does this ‘no’ come from your mind, from your ego, or from your heart?
- What do you think your partner might want or need, or is longing for?
- What is sex for you?
- How do you feel emotionally or physically at this moment, and how does it influence your answer?
- Could you say Yes to a part of this request?
- What is needed to overcome this ‘no’?
- How would it be if you still said ‘yes’?
- Do you realize that “sexual” intimacy can come in many forms? That it doesn’t have to be “ordinary, simple sex”?
“No” can shift into “Yes, if only…”
You say “no” just because maybe you don’t want a “quicky”, a short, rapid sexual encounter. Maybe you feel that you are not in the mood now. But if you consider the question, you might find out, that you would love to meet your partner, also in a sexual way, if just certain obstacles were removed. If you had a clear view of what/how you partner likes to meet you, or if you knew you would get the time to slowly come in the mood.
Or if your partner would take care of your needs of the moment, if there would be a meeting of the souls, and not just of the body, or if….
Take the time to go inward for a moment. To feel if you could nuance your response, from “no” into “yes, if only…”. And then communicate this with your partner. And you will be surprised, how often he is more than willing to do what you would like, to meet in the way you suggest.
A cuddle can transform no into much more
In many cases with a “no”, try this: start with a warm cuddle, shift into a caress, include some breathing together, look each other in the eyes in a loving way… Then your “no” can shift into a “yes” very quick without talking about it too much.
When you are not in the mood for sex
Understand what your partner is looking for
Maybe you think he just wants sex. A release of bodily tension for which he wants to “use” you. You might be right, Sometimes we don’t act just out of love, but just out of our personal needs. Then the other is not really the person you love and respect, but merely an object. And nobody likes to be an object.
Looking for connection?
But maybe you are wrong. Maybe his longing for sex with you is his longing for connection. Men often try to connect through sex. Partly because that is how the male energy works. Outreaching, penetrating. Penetrating not in a rude, invasive way, but in a loving, present way that is totally opening you. Looking for and finding the way to your heart. This, to make a beautiful sex-heart connection.
Sex for love, love for sex
The male energy (which is not always the same as “men”) is looking for connection through sex. Looking for connection!! Sometimes women don’t understand this, they think men just want sex and don’t really want to connect. But in the core, men want to be seen, loved, embraced and this is what they are looking for.
The female energy (which is not always the same as “women”) is also looking for connection!! The feminine way is by sharing love from the heart. And this is what men sometimes don’t understand. They think love means marriage, children and giving up freedom.
So men and women (or rather the male and female energy, which can exist in different quantities in each of you) are both looking for a connection, but are showing this in different ways. Once you understand this, a shift can happen in the way you experience how your partner reached out to you.
Read more about understanding ánd accepting the differences between men and women.
Looking for a heartful embrace
There is an assumption that intimacy always has to mean penetrative sex. Sometimes a man is reaching out to you through sex. But what he really needs is your love, your attention, and your loving caresses. To lie in your arms, to feel loved, embraced. To put his head on your breasts. Your breasts have a direct connection to your heart.
They are connected to the source of love, and thus you can nourish your partner. He might not consciously know this, but unconsciously he does. So your answer could also be: “Come, my love, come into my arms. I will hug you and love you!”
When you are not in the mood for sex
We underestimate the need to communicate our feelings. Generally, lots of communication effort around creating moments, asking each other specifically what each would like, best times, would help a lot to stay connected.
Maybe you don’t communicate because of your ego: he knows me, he knows what I like, So I don’t have to tell him this over and over again. If he still doesn’t know what I like, then I’m not gonna tell this either, no more!
It’s also possible that you are a bit shy or even ashamed to ask for what you like. You might think that you will get a “no” on your request yourself. Maybe you think he will find you a crazy girl, or even a slut. That he won’t like it or you. But you could be so wrong!
Ask for what you want/need
Most people think asking is egotistic, inconsiderate. But asking what you long for, sharing your wishes and desires, also bring clarity to your partner. And he might be very grateful that you share how he can please you. Most men who love their partner are very happy if they know how to please their partner. How to make her happy! So your asking is an act of love for yourself as well as for your partner.
Sharing is a powerful tool to understand each other.
Always keep it demand-free
You can ask all you want. Both of you! But make your request demand-free. You can get No for an answer. Both of you! Then, don’t be hurt, don’t feel rejected. But use the opportunity to communicate the reasons for this answer, and to learn to know each other better and better.
And don’t be afraid to deliver your no
If you do feel a strong no, how you deliver the “no thanks” is crucial. It’s important to be honest. To share your true feelings. But you can do this in different ways. Quiet rude or with love and consideration for your partner. A “no” delivered abruptly with no consideration could even do some long-term damage to a connection. A simple benign “I’m not in the mood” with no follow-up or acknowledgment of needs, can feel like rejection, which e.g. can turn into self-esteem issues or reduced effort and desire in the future.
Communicate your feelings and use loving words
You can be very honest, and very sincere, and still take the time to explain your no. And the answer “Sorry love, but I’m not in the mood now” can be enough. And sure, when you can manage to give a hug, or a sweet kiss, then your partner will feel your love. And of course, this situation is not all yours to solve. Love and understanding, and finding a way to stay connected should come from both sides. So, even when he is disappointed he might very well understand that, okay, sometimes you get a yes, sometimes you get a no. No big problem!
When you are not in the mood for sex
Know: love is not all about yóu
Sometimes when I felt this “no, I still decided to “yes”. Sometimes reluctant, but still. And lots of times I was happy and very connected to my partner afterward. But sometimes my mind/ego wins. I tell myself that I don’t want it and that if I do it just to please, it doesn’t feel right. I’m not going to give in. He doesn’t always get what he wants. He didn’t make me happy today, so no way I… And so much more of these mind stuff.
Let yourself be seduced
But when I decide (from my heart) to let me be seduced, then I can really participate and really enjoy it. Sometimes quite a lot, sometimes “just” because I really love my partner. And doing something that pleases him is no sacrifice, but something that makes me happy too.
It also can be a very nice play to let yourself to be seduced. Seduction is a nice part of lovemaking. Not by playing “hard to get”, but to slowly enter the place where you can meet each other in an intense way. A meeting of the bodies, of the heart and even of the soul. Slowly you open up for your partner, you respond to and answer his caresses and let him enter you, physically, but also emotionally.
As mentioned before, connection through sex can be creatively changed in many other ways to connect, and which can be evenly passionate, fulfilling, flowing and satisfying for you as well as for your partner. So be creative. Find ways to be together that fit in the moment, which make you feel connected and maybe after some time also change your mood. So that you are even longing for sex yourself. And maybe then even in a way that is more from the heart, more a shared wish to come together with body and heart, with lust and love.
A few creative tips:
Connected breathing. Breathing together with your partner in the same rhythm gives a feeling of togetherness. You can either inhale simultaneously or breathe in the opposite direction. Preferably while looking at each other in the eyes in a loving way.
Don’t do anything at all, other than enjoying each other. Just lying together or embracing each other. Try it a minute or ten and experience in which a wonderful “space” you come.
Kiss and suck the neck. The neck is an extremely sensitive erotic zone. Energy channels run from the neck and face to the genitals. Find them out! Nibble, nibble … Let your lips move over the skin. Give it a try, bite gently … Smell your partner’s neck, use your nose. Smell it the best aphrodisiac. Use all your senses and discover what you find exciting.
Out of the box…
Sensual caressing. Tell each other how you would like to be caressed and do so. Take the time, at least half an hour per person. Make your caress “Demand-free”: don’t work towards anything, there is no goal. Only do it with the intention to please your partner, let him/her enjoy.
Take a shower – together. Use a lot of shower foam. Wash each other. Take time now too. Make sure that your partner doesn’t fall and let him or her relax completely. Foam, warm water, your hands sliding smoothly over the body. Well, and a little bit of teasing, temptation, is great.
Dress like a sexy God / Goddess. You and your partner are much more than a man and a woman. You are divine appearances. Sexy, extremely seductive. Put on your most beautiful, sexy clothes and surprise him/her when you return home. Dress as a God or Goddess. Show yourself to your partner in full magnificence. Parade for each other. And of course, you can also take off your clothes during a seductive striptease.
When you are not in the mood for sex
Taking care of the other is also fulfilling
I believe there are extenuating circumstances that should be honored as part of a relationship… As the old verse goes “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you got all that you need!
This understanding can lead to a very rational decision, and create an atmosphere in which a lot is possible. But this understanding can also make your heart consider what to say, what to do. Not because it’s a smart thing to do, but out of love.
By the way, you might enjoy the article From Lust to Love,
Show some devotion
Love is not just about what yóu love, want or need. Or about the love you want to get, about being loved (in the way you like to be loved). Love is all about the other. Love is about giving instead of taking, about putting the needs of the others on a higher plan than your own, doing something for the one you love.
When I talk about doing something for your partner out of love, putting the others wishes above your own, I do not speak about “sacrificing yourself”. Not about to resign your own for others’ good, not in pity, and not because you ought to. I mean, that if you do so, you do it because your heart tells you to do so. And that you really love it, when you do something that makes your partner happy.
Commitment, or in a more old-fashioned or sacred word ‘devotion’ means that it is your heart’s desire to see your partner happy. It is no sacrifice to do so, it’s what you love to do. What you enjoy yourself so very much. What makes you happy too.
When you are not in the mood for sex
There can be reasons to answer to your partner’s request – to have sex at a moment that you are not in the mood – with a “no”. But there are also many reasons to (re)consider your quick answer.
- Don’t respond out of ego.
- Consider the reasons behind this request.
- You might feel surprised and unexpectedly feel happy and satisfied.
- You can change your no in yes, if only.
- Sex, love, and intimacy know many ways: try some others then quick regular sex.
- Be creative, find new ways of intimacy.
- Transform lust into love.
- Out of love and devotion, you can give your partner what he needs.
- Share your feelings, wishes, and desires, see where you meet each other.
A relationship, you “do” it together
Relating is something that you do together. One person is never responsible for the ups and downs of the relationship. For a good relationship, or for the problems in the relationship. Different desires, needs, and wishes, different ways to relate to each other, ask for love, respect and dedication from two sides.
It is therefore not the case that one party should always do everything to realize the wishes or desires of the other, no matter what. In this article, I do not want to suggest that the (sexual) wishes of one of the partners should always be met. Nevertheless, the sexual attraction that exists between lovers is an important connecting factor. An aspect of the relationship that should certainly not be underestimated.
How you deal with that sexual energy, and with sex, eroticism, sensuality, and intimacy vary per person. And can therefore also be lived and experienced differently in the relationship. To also find each other here, to respect and honor each other’s wishes as part of your total relationship, is crucial for a relationship. A lot of sex, little sex, that does not matter, as long as it feels good enough for both of you.
Tantra offers a wide variety of possibilities that can deepen your relationship. Also the sexual part of your relationship. The importance of this should not be overestimated, but certainly not underestimated. Tantra helps you to find new ways, other forms for sex. Next to, of instead of “ordinary” sex, changing sex in lovemaking. From lust to love, you transform sexual energy into heart energy … and more.
Expand and deepen your relationship
You can go deeper into your relationship, by exploring, discovering, enjoying new secrets. We brought this together in our e-course for couples “Tantric sex explained”.
In this, we go deeper into the tantric love game. What are the differences between “regular” sex? How do you bring pleasure and love together? How can you come to the heights of your passion and at the same time be completely together, leisurely, relaxed? How do you feel the “bliss of tantric sex”?
It is a course in which we share insights and meditations with you, relaxed, loving and passionate ways to make love in a different-than-different way. Love-making !!
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