This post has already been read 216 times!
Ways to relate differently
Ways to relate differently. We invite you to take 8 steps that will change your relationship forever. Maybe the old ways of relating are over, maybe not. We think that relationships are greatly benefited by these 8 steps. We start, however, with some reflection on “classical” relationships.
Busy busy busy
Relating is an art that we seem to have forgotten along the way. We are busy, busy, busy and have little time for each other. The work, the children, the hobbies come first. In the time that remains, we are usually too tired and tense to admit one another. In the relationship, we often seek more (rest, sex, love, safety, recognition) than we bring. We still have (hope for) sex, but that is no longer so relaxed and natural. Not so satisfying anymore. We still talk, but actually, we don’t say so much nowadays.
Fear of rejection
We hardly dare to show ourselves and/or we have become so afraid of rejection that we hide behind the masks of desired behavior. We always have the feeling that we have to defend ourselves. The differences seem irreconcilable and we apparently have to constantly monitor our boundaries. We crave for a better future, but what / how and with whom? We don’t really know anymore. What to do? We no longer know how to behave, what to do. The world and social/role patterns are changing rapidly. Nothing is clear and/or certain anymore.
Always that critical mind
The world and our partner is an easy projection screen of our own fears and uncertainties. That is why we are always very critical of the world and the other. It is chaos, a mess in the world, it is not going well. Your partner does, has always done something that makes YOU unhappy. We have been taught from an early age that we can (have to) always do better, that we are never good enough. We are so conditioned to observe the disadvantages of someone and/or the situation. In addition, we are full of all kinds of triggers and automatic (relationship) patterns that often do not make us happy.
Even in the relationship we are never allowed be who we are. We must not be angry, horny, or distant … Suppressing our sexual energy, for example, in the relationship makes us very sensitive to the (suppression or stir up) indulgence in sex. The resulting tension in our body cries out for release, which we think we get again and again in orgasm. However, the hangover comes later, if we are left empty and lonely: another (the same) illusion poorer. Tension that builds up again.
I’m done with it
I often hear that. I experience that myself again and again when things have gone “wrong” again. No relationship for me anymore. Sex sucks… Is this it? I’m done with it. The helm must change! It must be different … Good intentions alone will not help you however, growing in love and consciousness does. Being aware that you are trapped in the duality of your mind. A mind that creates both bliss and misery. As soon as you label something as beautiful, it’s waiting for the ugly that will walk into your life. As soon as you label something as a solution, you create problems yourself … Put your partner on a pedestal and sooner or later you throw him/her off again.
And yet…. It seems like it can be done differently. Around me, I see people who relate differently. In the workshops we give I see people relate differently. I see clear changes in my own relationship. I also read books about that (for example by David Deida) … Can it be different? Of course!!!
Ways to relate differently – 8 steps to take
Entirely in a personal capacity, I write in the following how I experience “modern relationships”. A snapshot in which certain aspects seem to be more prominent. Is it complete? Oh well, I don’t care so much. This is what is coming up / coming out at the moment.
1. Take responsibility
If you always let your happiness depend on someone else … Then, that person can also make you unhappy. Mi. it’s time to take responsibility for your own life. The time of the dependency relationship is over (?). Why not take good care of yourself? Know what you need. Know what suits you (and whatnot). Becoming aware of how you are conditioned. While keeping your boundaries well guarded, you can grow to become more and more yourself. And if you are in your power, in your center, you can also take good care of your partner (or children). But in this order! What you don’t have, you can’t give away … Take care of yourself, love yourself. That is the basis of relating, of the magic circle of giving and receiving.
2. Accept yourself – as you are
To take responsibility, it is imperative that you are at ease with yourself. And there is often the challenge. Can you accept all the pluses and minuses of yourself? I said it earlier, we are so trained not to feel/feel good enough. But can you really be who you are, exactly as you are? Do you dare to trust in the spiritual fact that we are basically all Buddhas, are all perfect? And yes, we are all human, in a human body and a human mind. That makes us unique, we all have our place in this life, this world.
The radiance of being in your power
My experience is that when people accept themselves, there is suddenly a lot of room for relating. Then there is that smile, there are those shining eyes. Then there is “something” that is so beautiful… The recognition of that which lives in us all. People in their power can suddenly boost, help other people to also be their authentic self. If you are in your center (you feel great), you are not so busy changing the other. If you show yourself the way you are, you are real. Everyone intuitively knows immediately when dealing with a real person. No matter how he/she is, it is delicious !!!!
3. Trust life – trust your partner
If we are centered, we can even let the situation (s) be as they are. Acceptance is the miracle of perfect imperfection … Acceptance creates space/confidence to be who you are. Judgments and projections are lost. It is as it is, you stay wonderful in the moment. Real acceptance means that you will see that “what triggers you” and “your reaction patterns (conditioning)” are two different things. If you take responsibility and really accept what is, that creates space for wonderful (painful) moments of growth. You can suddenly see who you are. In a split second, you can release the dust that you have collected. You can clean up the mess in your system.
4. Live in love and be aware
The foregoing requires a considerable level of love and consciousness. More and more watching, observing, seeing and embracing the tendency to judge. your suppressing or indulging with love. Ways to relate differently is about growing in love and consciousness. Creating a different balance between feeling and thinking. More togetherness versus only doing stuff together. Ways to relate differently is about how you can live in alignment, allow synchronicity in your life. Not something you can do … It’s about intentions, allowing.
5. Bring back the warmth
It’s about finding the warmth in your relationship again. The warmth of being intimate together. The warmth of two hearts that seek and find each other. Loving connection that still feels free. No straitjacket but a gathering in which (zest for life/love) energy is exchanged. Life energy that flows, bursts, comes together. Space for a heart connection because the hard shells around it melt away. Being together in silence and in all openness and vulnerability. Different relationships also mean a renewed balance between being together and being alone. Every partner has and uses his space to be alone (for a while). Have and take the time to get your own house in order, to get back in full contact with yourself.
One and one is three
The great thing about relating is that 1 + 1 is three. If you can see your partner as a beautiful mirror in which you can get to know yourself, then that is such a revelation. Everything you see supports your potential to reach full glory, full maturity. If you no longer see the differences between men and women as opposites, but as complementary, a whole new world opens up to you. A world where you can learn and grow. A world in which your partner provides you with qualities and competencies that make you even richer and more complete in your earthly existence.
6. Look lovingly – look fresh
If you see it like that, ways to relate differently are a great opportunity to support each other, supplement where “needed”. And there is no judgment in that supplement, you do not have to make a choice, see it as a positive enrichment. Our desire for connection is nothing more or less than the desire for wholeness, oneness. That is what your partner reflects you and that is what you have to offer and can give. That is what you may receive. Partners who share their feelings about this (sharing) are making great strides.
7. Be in the moment – cherish the NOW
In other words, ways to relate differently also has to do with daring to be in the moment. Being aware that you live together NOW. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, NOW. The future is uncertain, tomorrow it can all be different. It may even be over tomorrow. Let go of tomorrow, live now. The past is no guarantee for the future, live now and without fear. ways to relate differently means daring to be open and vulnerable. Opt for more inner motives. Creating space in your life and relationship for rest and relaxation. Space to be able to be relaxed and naturally together. Minimal expectations and automatic response patterns (if he does this then I do that).
8. Give responses instead of rigid routine reactions
Live in the moment and from your heart (and not by the head). Respond to your partner and the present situation. In addition, be present as much as possible, be totally involved in what you do. If you hold back because, for example, you have to work tomorrow, how do you live/relate? Dare you give 1000% to your partner. Dare to look at everything that holds you back. Or dare to say that you want to be busy with other things NOW. Don’t get attached to common practice. Don’t make fixed routines or at least as little as possible. Every moment is different and you just don’t know how it goes from here.
Ways to relate differently – summary
Take responsibility (for your own happiness); take care of yourself
- Accept yourself, your partner, the situation.
- Continue to observe, oversee what is triggering you and what is happening in you (self-reflection), do not identify yourself with it …
- Stay away from your reaction patterns, give responses as much as possible to your partner.
- Dare to show yourself; be open and vulnerable.
- Enjoy the partnership/complementing; look in the mirror, look positively and learn from it.
- Share your feelings with each other; open your heart; always “seek” the energetic (heart) connection.
- Dare to be in the moment. It can all be different tomorrow.
- Do not cling to what is/was.
- Don’t hold back; live your relationship like there is no tomorrow.
Back to the key article Tantric relationships
Enjoy our couples courses with guided meditation
Solana en Satori, driving forces behind Online Tantra