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Top 10 relationship issues and how to solve them

Top 10 relationship issues and how to solve them. Relationships issues are aspects of life that prevent partners from being happy (together). Most relationship issues have to do with the differences between men and women. Men and women are so different in the way they react to day to day events. The top 10 relationship issues presented below reflect this but are also arbitrary. There are so many relationship issues to be recognized. So if your issue isn’t in the top 10, don’t worry, it doesn’t matter much. Still, in our opinion the top 10 reflects the most common issues. And more important, it shows how to solve them (or at least how to deal with them) from a tantric perspective.

Top 10 relationship issues

1.     Communication

Emotional versus rational communication

relationship issues - emotionsRelationships issues: women mostly talk emotionally. They are just expressing their state of mind (emotion). This is often very annoying for men. It’s hard for them to understand this way of communication. Women talk to get things clear, men talk when they have figured things out. Men talk “rational” and are very critical. Especially if this critical attitude is directed to their partner, self-esteem issues arise. The woman feels she is judged and rejected.

Watch the conversation

Of course, awareness is the key to solve this relationship issue. The differences are not solvable in terms of change. Women will always talk emotional, men always more rational. So if you know this you can more and more “watch the conversation”. Take some distance from what is said.

Listen with awareness

Listen with awareness and don’t take it personally. Just listen, don’t try to solve things. Take some distance from what is said. Be also be more aware of what you say. Women can talk less or later. Men have then the chance to be less critical and more positive. And if your woman talks emotions: listen, acknowledge her feelings, maybe even hold her.

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2.     Lack of quality time

Issue number 2: What time is left after work, the household, kids, hobbies, fitness, social obligations, maintenance activities? People are so busy nowadays that there simply isn’t enough time to meet and connect to each other. In the time left we are also too tired to give enough special attention to our partner. There is a huge lack of intimacy, due to a lack of quality time.

Drop the small stuff

You will be amazed how much time is consumed with watching telly, reading tabloids, playing games on your computer or smartphone, posting on Facebook, Instagram of Snapchat. Do you really need that? Also: if you have less stuff, repair and maintenance is less work. Get rid of that fancy stuff. Have less, do less, and get yourself lots of free time.

Prioritize

The next way to get more quality time is also simple. You have to prioritize! Do you want to be rich or happy? Evaluate your social “obligations”. For happiness, it’s essential that you spend some quality time alone (doing whatever you want) and also spend time together with your spouse. This could be one hour, an evening, or a day/weekend somewhere in the month. Plan some quality time.

Create personal time and We-time

Creating Me-time ánd We-time is the next answer. And this can also be a few seconds. Take a breather. Giving each other a big intimate hug for a few minutes can do wonders. Spending half an hour with real intimacy on the sofa could make thé difference. Put your focus on creating quality time!

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3.     Lack of intimacy

Relationship issue 3: Even if there’s a lot of time to meet, most couples aren’t able to get intimate. Contact isn’t there (everyone is doing their own thing) or isn’t perceived as intimacy. Due to differences (see issue 1) the talking doesn’t bring you together. It feels miles apart and it’s maybe hard to relate to your partner’s issues. Maybe it feels like he/she isn’t giving you enough attention. Or you feel you’re giving away too much (and getting back too little). You have fewer and fewer things to talk about. You drift(ed) apart.

Find out what suits you

Tantra provides simple practices to be intimate. It’s good to understand intimacy first, so read this. There are a million ways to be intimate. So it’s important to find out what suits you. How was it in the early days of your relationship? Maybe it all starts again with looking at what is still there. Where your focus goes, energy flows.

Ad intimacy moments to what’s already there

Count your blessings. Recall all the intimate moments you already had. See the intimate moments that are still there. Show your appreciation. Then work from that. Prioritize (see quality time) and plan intimate moments. Finds out what suits you and just “do it”.

Enjoy intimacy exercises

Mental, physical, matters of the heart and soul. Take your pick. Mental intimacy focusses on talking to each other. Do a 5-minute check-in or an Inquiry (what is intimacy for you?). Physical intimacy is as simple as holding hands, walking together, hugging, spooning, eye gazing. You could also do some individual heart meditation or do it together. And of course, couples meditation is great for intimacy.

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4.     Jealousy

Relationship issues: partners can be jealous of a lot of things. That could be the job or financials, it could be the physical (stronger/more beautiful), or about matters of emotion and the heart. Especially when one of the partners is (in love) with someone else, jealousy arises. For women, it is very hard to cope with the fact that their partner has a deep emotional connection with someone else. For men, it is very hard to accept that your partner has sex with someone else.

Solving this relationship issue: isn’t easy… The trigger that causes jealousy touches very deep. Jealousy is a strong (ego)reaction. Fear of not getting enough, losing all the good stuff (to someone else). Fear of being not good enough and losing your partner (to someone else). So self-love and self-esteem are key in the solution.

Emphasize body and heart

Unmask your ego by rising in love. Drop out of your head (mind) into your body. Activate your body and senses. “Doing” is good. Distraction is good. Shake your body, move your pelvis, go walking, do some fitness, get tired! Into your body, then go to your heart. Focus on your heart. Do some heart meditation. Get loving, love yourself! Allow yourself to be jealous and go beyond. It’s okay. Then you can find the space to find your truth. Sometimes you have to set boundaries, sometimes you have to let go.

Practice love

When you really love yourself, you know what suits you, what is good (healthy) for you. Trust whatever comes from love. If you have to set boundaries and/or change the situation (rules in the relationship) just trust life and do that. But also know/feel/live the fact that when you really love your partner, you wish heaven for him/her, even when you yourself aren’t there with them. Even when it hurts like hell. So find your way to love again. Go in, go to your heart. Love yourself, love your partner, radiate love.

Also see Jealousy, how to deal with it

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5.     Conflict – criticism

Relationship issues - fightingHaving a fight once in a while isn’t so bad for a relationship. But if you’re arguing all the time, that doesn’t feel so good. Men are very good in the rational talk (see issue 1). Sometimes that ends up in a continues flow of criticism. Most couples in conflict also constantly fight about the same issues. Lifestyle differences can create tension. Little practical things (leaving the toilet seat up or down) can be very annoying. Differences are natural and easy to find.

Know why you’re fighting

Solving this relationship issue starts with a little soul searching. Know why you are fighting! How come things are so important? Why are you so angry? Why do you want things your way? Conflicts arise from our ego. We have so many rules that “must” be upheld. People can be perfectionists to the extreme. Ask yourself: is it really that important? Is it a pattern of behavior that makes you so critical to your spouse? Are you just projecting your own uncertainty on your partner? Self-examination can give you a clue of why you are always picking a fight. Once you know, you can (slowly) change, because YOU want to.

Relax, reframe

Relax, breathe consciously, count to ten, calm down and choose your battlefields wisely. Is that toothpaste cap so important? Have some respect for your partner and his/her point of view. See it as an opportunity to enrich your life. Reframe. What seems as opposite can be a great complement in your lives. Go for the match instead of the differences. If it’s hard to swallow, take a timeout. If you’re very angry, release in a safe way (alone). Continue the conversation later.

Show respect

Whatever you do or say, always respect your partner. Having an argument is okay, but you can do that without abuse. Set boundaries and make them clear! Set some ground rules for conflict and uphold that. Be especially aware of swearing, aggression and physical contact. Never say (really hurting) things that you can’t take back. Never use your physical strength to win an argument. Don’t scare your partner, don’t threaten your partner, don’t humiliate your partner. Show some respect!

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6.     Lack of polarity

Relationship issues, number 6: when partners spend time together they tend to adjust their behavior according to the preferences of their partner. What happens then is that you become sort of lookalikes of each other. Long-term relationships tend to feel like a brother and sister relationship which is fine but totally lacks the (sexual) spark that lovers have. With a lack of polarity the intimate connection diminishes. You don’t get inspired anymore, you don’t reinforce (1+1=3) each other anymore. Polarity is an important dynamic that couples need to be aware of & learn how to generate in order to maintain ongoing (sexual) attraction.

Find your sexual essence

What to do in order to create polarity? Female and male energy attract each other. Almost everyone (99%) has a basic (sexual) polarity, either female or male. Most common (in hetero relationships) is the female woman (man) who attracts a masculine man (woman). Even in homo relationships, this principle works. So, find out your basic (sexual) position and put the focus on that again. Where your attention goes, energy flows. Find and boost your sexual essence and discover that the sexual spark is back again.

Focus on male/female quality’s

If you’re a masculine man (woman), feel your presence, your penetrating energy, your protecting power, your strength, your focus, creativity, sense of direction and don’t be afraid to show it. Let your woman feel your (leading) power. If you’re a feminine woman (man), feel your love, your nurturing embrace, your receptivity, your beauty, your sensuality, your loving care, and don’t be afraid to show it. Let your man feel your (loving) radiance.

Empower your partner

You don’t become a doctor by graduating. No, you become a doctor by behaving like one. Good doctors are also made by the feedback they get. Patients empower the doctor. So, empower your partner. Give positive feedback on everything that attracts you. Treat your spouse as if she/he is the perfect lover. Sow what isn’t there yet and tomorrow it will flourish. Women want to be seen! So give your full attention, really listen to her, be undisturbed (by her emotions), make her feel save.  Man want to be loved. So love him, touch him, adore him, follow him, let your body talk, let him feel you.

Don’t be afraid of your dark side

Lack of polarity often arises because we have become too civilized, too neat. So don’t be afraid to let the “beast” in you come out. “Me Tarzan, you Jane” gives awesome polarity. And please follow your sexual desires! At least fantasize and talk about them. Dare to execute them too! Put your woman against the door and passionately kiss her. Feel like Valentino. Or… Seduce your man! Do the things to him that -even in your wildest dreams- you didn’t dare to do. Let that wild woman free.

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7.     Boring – unsatisfying sex life

Many couples live together as brother and sister, in a companionship. Periods of no-sex could even be there. Maybe the frequency/pattern of having sex is different. It could be that the style of sex (Quickies/Kinky/BDSM) is growing apart. What also happens is that the man is satisfied but the woman isn’t because of the speed and short duration of the lovemaking (due to premature ejaculation). Woman need more time to get into the mood and to orgasm. Men are hot and can cum very quickly.

  • No sex / how much sex.
  • The way you want sex.
  • Differences in satisfaction of sex.

What to do: Sometimes you need to accept life. When you’re getting older the sex-drive diminishes. So having no-sex at (60-) 70-80 isn’t so odd. That said sex can be there a long time. Sexual energy is a strong life force. We say: talk about it.

Inquiry on sex

Do an inquiry on sex (fantasies/breaking taboos), ask each other “What is good sex for you?”. Talk and listen then switch roles. Use the information to let your sex life blossom again. You could also both write a sex scenario, think of sex fantasies that turn you on (and consciously act them out). It seems a little bit odd but you can also plan sex (romantic weekend).

Boost polarity

Especially be aware of the polarity between the two of you. The male energy attracts the feminine energy and vice versa. So know your sexual essence and boost it! Empower your man to be the gorgeous man you always wanted. Empower your woman! Dress up, feel the sexual power inside you. Feel sexy, sensual, seduce your partner (again). Let that sexy spark be in the air again.

Experiment

Tantra sex can do the trick. So read about that and more important… Start exploring. Start doing the couples meditations! If it’s more personal than do the re-discovering your sexuality course.

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e-Course How to become Multi-orgasmic (M) – Start today!

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8.     Cheating

Relationship issues: cheating can be a big issue in a relationship. Cheating can be a signal of other problems (trust and respect issues) in the relationship. If the cheating is a onetime affair it can be dealt with as a mistake. If cheating becomes a habit then for sure it becomes a destructive problem in the relationship. Structural cheating is not something many people can magically change about themselves unless they show you they’re really committed to trying.

How to solve this: cheating is a very complex issue. We don’t suggest there are easy solutions. The tantric view on cheating maybe even shocking for you. From this “viewpoint” there are many (different) ways to deal with cheating. The major steps are described below.

Commitment

If you’re in an open polygamous relationship cheating is no issue. Why? Because you don’t cheat. Circumstances, however, can be very challenging. Jealousy can be a big relationship issue but that is another issue (see above).

In monogamous relationships, cheating is a matter of breaking/upholding the “rules”. What is considered cheating? What boundaries are set? Is an intimate connection with others okay? Is it okay to kiss? What sexual acts are not okay? Important is also that you are both committed to what is agreed upon. So be very clear on the rules and set the boundaries straight (again).

Honesty and trust

Good relationships are built on honesty and trust. So with cheating, this is undermined. With a one-time affair (mistake) this could be “relatively simple” to handle. In any case, it is important to talk about it. Talk about the reason(s) behind the cheating. Maybe something is missing in the relationship. Learn from it. Maybe there was a reason for lying. Understand that. Support honesty. Start again with honest communication.

Maybe it’s time for new/adjusted rules, people change, let the rules change with it. You could see cheating as a relationship/life-lesson. Don’t ever take the cheating personal or let it affect your self-esteem. Whatever the case, encourage and appreciate honesty. Know that real trust in life is the notion the whatever happens in your life is good, has a reason, has a lesson in it to grow. So feel utterly disappointed, but at the same time feel the power of trust. Whatever happens.

Take your time

If your partner cheats and you find out, your marriage is in crisis. You are in crisis! It’s important that you are aware of that. That you lovingly accept your feelings of shock, anger, pain, fear, sorrow. Uncertainty sneaks in, your life is put upside down. It takes self-love and time to cope with this. Maybe some feelings (fears) never go away again. Look if there a willingness to respond to the wounds that are created (or touched). Take some ME-time and consider de situation. Never blame yourself. Acknowledge your feelings. Take real good care of yourself. Love yourself.

Don’t ever compromise your truth

You can compromise on almost anything. To compromise is the price you pay for all the benefits a relationship brings. That said, we say that you should never compromise on your inner truth. This truth are the ideas and values that come from deep within you. Our truth maybe not your truth, but we say that if you’re really monogamous you shouldn’t stay with someone who is cheating (all the time). You shouldn’t stay with someone who is dishonest (all the time). You should not stay with someone who doesn’t respect you. So find your truth. Know what your truth is and uphold it. Happiness is an inside job, starting with living your truth.

Think again before you separate

Having a cheating partner looks like the end of the world but is that really true? Count your blessings! Maybe now you can’t see it, but there are many deep fulfilling qualities in your relationship. Don’t let the spur of the moment, one incident, one aspect of your relationship define your future. Take your time. Talk about it. Take ME-time, consider a temporary separation, let counseling work for you.

Deal with your emotions. Embrace them with loving awareness and go beyond. Don’t start blaming or act victimized. Love yourself and deal with the cheating. And if you decide to separate, plan this carefully. Also, include practical things. Separate with love and consciousness.

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9.     Abuse

Issue: physical aggression, verbal excess, losing self-control are all examples of abuse. Could also be awful yelling, throwing with stuff, humiliation (in public). Abuse can be many things. Abuse in the relationship is very harmful. The problem is also that abuse is shielded, denied and/or explained away. Fact is that physical and emotional abuse is more common than people think.

What to do: there are many things you can do if you’re abused. Don’t let the items below limit you.

Relationship issues - talk about itTalk about it with other people

Grownup people don’t abuse other people. So if your partner is an adult, he/she has to face the problem. Abuse has to be solved, it has to stop. Even if you leave the relationship because the abusive behavior will continue. So don’t be ashamed, talk about it. If your partner disagrees, you know he/she knows there’s something wrong. Check it! Check it with different people, trusted friends. Get professional help if you ’re sure. Build a support network. But whatever people say, trust your own truth. Your boundaries are yours, what is normal to others can be abusive to you.

Take care of yourself

It is your responsibility to live a happy life. So take care of yourself. Know what you need to be (get) mentally, emotionally, physically healthy. Self-love and self-esteem are critical factors for this. Know what you need, follow your longing. Take care of your body. Take your rest and sleep. Eat well. Quality ME-time is essential. This could even be taking a (short) break from the relationship. Get intimate and loving with yourself.

Leave the abuse with him

Don’t feel ashamed. Stop blaming yourself. Maybe you started to believe there is something wrong with you. NO, there’s no excuse whatsoever for abuse. Stop doubting yourself. Also, stop trying to change your partner (the abuser). You can’t change someone else! People can only (with great difficulty) change themselves. You have no blame for the abuse. The abuser is always responsible for it. Don’t let yourself be talked into that. It’s NOT your fault. Also, don’t show any understanding of the abuse. Make it absolutely clear that you don’t tolerate the abuse anymore. It has to stop and if not, it has consequences. If the abuse starts, don’t engage, walk away immediately.

Guard your boundaries

The abuse has to stop and if not, it has consequences. So know your boundaries well and communicate them clearly. Do it multiple times because some people don’t listen well. Also set boundaries publicly. Be specific. If it’s physical abuse, tell what you don’t want anymore. Be specific. If it’s emotional abuse, do the same. Tell what kind of yelling, calling names, rudeness hurts you. Be specific. Make sure what the consequences of abusive behavior are AND follow them up. Don’t talk about boundaries you have no intention of keeping.

Leave if necessary

To change one’s behavior isn’t done overnight. However, the abuse stops NOW. If there’s no commitment to change, then best is to leave. If there’s no trust anymore between the two of you, you should think about leaving. Maybe it’s not so easy and needs preparation. So, build a support group. Friends/family you trust. Take time away from the abuser. Spend more time with people that really connect with you in a loving manner. Work on an exit plan in case it doesn’t work out. Don’t believe promises, believe day-to-day experiences. If the abuse continues despite all effort, you really have to leave.

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10.    Money

Issue: Money is important in this world. Without money, life is a struggle. Not enough money can be a big relationship issue. Priority’s shift dramatically if you don’t even have the money to buy food and shelter. Little money creates insecurity about the future which doesn’t make us relax either. When your partner (secretly) spends a ton load of money on (in your eyes) useless/unnecessary things you can feel all sorts of frustrating emotions. Different viewpoints (secrets) on money also create money issues.

What to do with money issues: Considering the broad scope of this issue, there’s no one-way answer. We discuss a couple of major aspects.

Lower the financial pressure

Having not enough money or/and insecurity about the future is in most Western (European) country’s a matter of the mindset. I personally have seen (in Africa/Asia) many very poor people being very happy. Happy people living on dumping grounds, happy people living in ghettoes. I am not saying that poverty doesn’t exist or shouldn’t be banished, but rather that your mindset is decisive for your happiness. Most Western countries have a safety net that prevents you from starvation. I would say that if you’re reading this, you’re not starving of hunger, you have a home. Count your blessings. So if you feel financial pressure, choose happiness over money.

Lower your material needs to fit your purse (as I did when I stopped working). Do you really need that iPhone, that car, that (second) telly, outdoor eating, extended wardrobe? Do some downsizing, loose stuff, keep it simple. You could even consider living off the grid.

On the other hand, find positive, creative ways to make your potential financially work for you. What are your key qualities? Having had a major downfall makes you sometimes extremely qualified to help others with that issue. Learn, expand your abilities. Learn to see where the money goes…

Align spending habits

The power of convictions is enormous. So start by identifying your thoughts and values about money. Is money important? Do you think money is to be spent or saved? Is money about security or more about freedom? Look for common ground, for alignment. Talk about it, reframe if necessary and develop a joint attitude towards money.

At the same time set some ground rules for spending money, for making major financial decisions. Make a plan, do some budgeting. Let a third party (friend) help you with financial challenges. Ask for help, don’t be ashamed. Sometimes you need help to get back on your feet. Don’t be too proud to ask for help.

Focus on what’s really important

Thinking about money all the time makes you crazy. You have to find a way to let it go (once in a while). Keep the primary focus on love, on romance. Keep up the good spirit. Share the good feelings. Bring the positive happiness aspects of your relationship to the foreground. Take responsibility but don’t let money ruin your self-esteem and life.

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Satori de Ruijter

Hi, my name is Satori. You could say that I am enjoying life very much. Always looking at the bright side. My passion and lifestyle is tantra. Tantra is in my life for more than 20 years now. My wife and I fully enjoy it. We gave tantric workshops for many years. Now retired, but we have online tantra websites (ENG/NL). See online-tantra.com or .NL

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