What is sharing – a key element for a happy relationship
Sharing – a great way to keep your relationship open and fresh.
Sharing – removing obstacles in your relationship.
What is sharing?
Read the article below but know upfront:
- Sharing is a communication technique
- Used to open up communication channels
- A simple technique of talking and listening with awareness
- In a save, open, loving space
- Without judgment, even without a single response
- To clear the air or to discover (secrets)
- A technique based on TRUST.
What is sharing: Communication is important
The foundation for any healthy relationship is intimacy, love, and communication. In other articles, we talked about intimacy and the art of tantric relating. We explained e.g. that deep intimacy is possible through an open (also energetically) communication, and the match on 4 areas: body, mind, heart, and soul. When people meet, all areas play their role. When love & lightning strikes, heart, and soul are triggered instantly. Every time when lust, physical attraction and/or desire is there, the body talks. Most people, however, first connect to each other with the mind. We start by talking and we exchange personal experiences, ideas, and views.
Open mind, open body, open heart, visible soul
Tantra, of course, is all about love, about connecting from one open heart to another open heart, about making a soul to soul connection. Tantra acknowledges the importance of the body; to have an open body, a free flow, and exchange of energy. The magnificence of the direct usage of your senses. Merging in lust-, love- and life-energy.
Tantra is also about freeing yourself of the rigid (negative) conditioning of your mind. Layers of conditioning around the real you. But how do you know them? How do you become aware of your conditioning? Well, you get to know your conditioning because you interact with others. When you disagree with someone you can become aware of your values and opinions. If you see others and judge them, then know that you project your mind-stuff on them. When you hold back or start to please (i.e. to behave the way you are supposed to) then conditioning is active. So other people are very important to know yourself. They are the mirror in which you can see your conditioning.
What is sharing: The art of listening
Communication is a two-way street. There’s a sender and there’s a receiver. This sounds easy but in reality, there are many issues on this. The most common one is that people don’t listen. They are only busy with their own stuff.
The joy of being heard
So it’s refreshing if someone really listens! It show (s)he is interested in you. It shows that there’s an intention to connect lovingly. People who listen are mostly very present and attentive. With those people the joy of showing your (vulnerable) self and being seen (and vice versa) is great. It gives you a warm, connected, intimate feeling. It opens your body (e.g. your throat) and the love in your heart. It’s a process of getting more and more involved in an intimate (mental) contact.
Without the fear of judgment
Being heard however is not enough. When the other pins you down with gross judgments, you close up again. Who wants to be judged? We are all afraid of judgment and rejection. We are already so judgmental on ourselves. Self-esteem, and accepting yourself the way you are, are important in life ánd in communication. Accepting the other without judgment, accepting “what is”, is also very important. So is sharing in this loving, non-judgmental environment. You can speak out, you won’t be judged. Not while sharing, and at least not for 48 hours after the sharing, preferable not ever anymore…
Different techniques, different purposes
In a relationship, there are many different communication techniques available for partners. I will mention only five:
- Normal conversation.
- Giving positive feedback.
- Doing an inquiry.
Ad 1. Communication is a two-way street. Always remember this, since most people don’t listen. They are only interested in telling their own story. The art of listening is very important. Once you start listening to your partner, miracles happen… (S)he will love you for it!
Ad 2. We are used to judging and to give negative feedback. Once you start to listen, you can really see the beauty in other people. Reframe your mind and see the positive. See the positive and give lots of feedback about that. You can do this with everybody, all the time. People will love you for it!
Ad 3. An Inquiry is similar to sharing and is done on a specific subject. This can be any subject you agree on. You just ask your partner a particular question over and over again for some time. (S)he gives answers, you are only listening. Topics can be: “What is sex for you?”, or “What makes you happy?” Speak for about 10 minutes and then switch roles. Afterward. you can talk about what is said in the inquiry freely. An Inquiry is a fine way to help each other to become aware of unconscious thoughts, longings, and feelings. So, to grow in consciousness.
Ad 4. This article is about sharing. Sharing is for the “hard” stuff. It’s an open space for anything that wants to be said. Important is that you only listen and that afterward, you don’t talk about it. Not ever or at least not for 48 hours (if you really have to). It’s not necessary to talk it over. NEVER give any judgmental comments, because your partner will not share again. Trust… Existence will take its course.
Ad 5. You can find release by doing some catharsis. It’s a good way when you are full of “shit” and under great pressure. When you’re full of negative stuff. When you have more experience you can also do a sharing with your partner, but mostly it’s good to do it on your own (or in a group). Catharsis is to release big time. When you do it, do it lovingly and consciously.
Sharing is for the hard stuff
As said sharing is a technique used to open up communication channels. It’s a simple technique of talking and listening in a save, open, loving space. A space without judgment, even without a single response. It’s a technique to clear the air or to discover (secrets). A technique based on TRUST.
Clear the air by sharing
All couples know this. Gradually a wall builds up between partners. Mostly composed of small stuff (issues/irritations), not worth mentioning on their own. However, because of this wall, communication is becoming more and more difficult, eventually, only small talk remains. Sharing is a great way to tear down the wall. To have an open space for talking and speaking about everything that wants to be said. Maybe up front, you don’t even know what will come. While sharing, lots of small (or big) things pop up.
Sharing is a relief. When you share stuff, it brings you closer together. Sharing your irritations, sharing your feelings (of fear/anger), sharing (troubling) thoughts. Expressing wishes, longings, secrets. Sharing removes energetic and communication obstacles, just because you bring these feelings or thoughts into the light. They come out and in the open. Sharing is an offload of thoughts and emotions. It can calm the mind and can release the heaviness on your shoulders.
Sharing can be about anything.
The weather, about work, health, every thought or emotion that’s in your and/or your partner’s system. And of course, that thought or feeling can also be about you! What your partner thinks or feels about you and about your behavior. But remember, it is NEVER about you! You are only a nice projection screen. It’s about and only about your partner (or about you of course if you’re talking yourself). So while sharing always keep everything to yourself. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. Start every sentence with “I feel” or “I think” or similar. Listen and don’t take/make it personal.
You may not like what you hear, but now you know!
Share to discover
Sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings is a great way of getting to know each other. When the space is safe, open and loving, you will be able to share your biggest secrets. Especially if there’s no judgment, no (negative) response. People walk around with so much stuff they are afraid to tell. Even to their partner! This could be out of shame or guilt. Do some soul-searching and tell your hearts desires. Sharing makes you vulnerable but has its rewards. It gives you and your partner insight in your secrets, desires, intimate thoughts. Sharing frees your mind. It frees your life energy!
When to do a sharing
When it’s needed, when it feels like “it’s time”
There is no “right” time to do a sharing except the time that you both feel like it. Mostly it’s time when normal communication is reduced to only small talk. When communication is blocked. And when “things” start to get into the way. When you “hide” stuff from your partner.
When you both feel like it
Sharing isn’t a one-way street. It is important that you both feel like it. Only one partner sharing is not so rewarding. Intimacy is a process that involves two persons. So talk about it, get a sense of urgency. If you are really serious about your relationship, you know when it’s time. Use the sharing process for sensitive areas and issues. Areas where you feel most vulnerable. Do a sharing preferably when it’s all good between the two of you. Sharing when you are in a big fight is not a great idea. Somethings you just can’t say! You have to be able to be present and loving.
What is sharing – It’s a two-way street
What is sharing: How to do a sharing
A sharing is probably best if you plan it a little. That gives you time and space to mentally prepare. Time to relax and free your time table. Make a nice space. Turn your living room into a tantra temple (see tantra basics). Make it something special. Sharing is also a way to send your partner the message that whatever is or happened… you love him/her. You are committed to making it work. So set a time and make sure you are not disturbed.
Talk and listen (2 times 10-15 minutes)
The sharing is in two phases, both 10-15 minutes. Take this time, don’t rush it. Silence is also good. Sit face to face. The first partner starts talking. The other listens attentively. You don’t judge, you don’t talk, don’t ask questions, don’t give positive or negative feedback. Not even unspoken. BUT -> Show that you’re listening!
Switch roles after 10-15 minutes. Set an alarm if needed.
Always keep it to yourself
While talking, always keep it to yourself. It’s not about your boss or partner, it’s about you! Express your thoughts and/or feelings without hesitation. Start sentences with
Don’t take it personally
Even if your partner expresses thoughts and/or feeling concerning you, or the relationship, don’t take it personally. It’s not about you! If you still get triggered… Be very aware of your judgments or reactions. Stay present, keep listening. Do some soul-searching later on about what was triggered. Use the information to free yourself of conditionings or old wounds. If something that is said isn’t true… you know it. If it is true… reflect on it (later on).
Step by step
It may be clear, that it may be dangerous to dispel years of saved up annoyance and resentment over your partner at once. Sharing must be safe and loving. Begin with small, minor things. Practice makes perfect. Regularly repeating a sharing allows you to “clean up” on deeper layers. It also gives your partner the opportunity to get used to the new way of communicating.
Always end positively
It’s hard to break with certain emotions and emotional states of mind. Children are able to switch instantly but adults are a little too conditioned. The adult mind (and body) tends to cling to pain (negativity). So we suggest that you end up positive. For instance by doing a positive feedback round. Take your time, don’t force anything.
Finish off with a moment of silence. Then thank you each other. It’s not necessary and even unwanted to talk about the sharing. Don’t do that later too, at least wait 48 hours if you really must. But NEVER, NEVER give any judgmental comments because your partner will not share again. Trust… Existence will take its course. Let it all settle down and do its job.
What is sharing: Trusting the universe
What is sharing: play by the rules
Talk and listen attentively
If you talk, be honest. Share your thoughts, share your feelings. Be straight, be honest. Don’t talk around it, get it out of your system. The whole point is that you speak out, without hesitation, and you will feel that it brings you relief.
If you listen, try not to judge, don’t react at all: no response, not positive, not negative. Just listen. Stay present and listen attentively. If it triggers, investigate (at a later moment) what’s triggered. Do some self-exploration.
Own your own issues
As said repeatedly, don’t make it personal. Don’t use a sharing to complain, to blame your partner, to tell him/her what (s)he is always doing wrong, to explain how stupid/wrong/ignorant, etc. (s)he is, to tell him/her how she should do things. Talk about what you feel, about your longings. I feel…, say I think…. , I would be so happy when…. But also don’t make it a wish list the other has to fulfill. Take your own responsibility, but share how you feel. And don’t take it personally, it’s not about you, it’s about your partner. If you’re triggered, also take responsibility for your feelings.
Trust the Universe
Basic in tantra, and thus in sharing, is the idea that nothing has to be fixed. Because nothing is broken. You speak out, you listen and that’s it. When you speak about the sharing directly afterward, you might run into trouble because for sure judgment will creep in. Any judgment is a killer for open, honest sharing, during, and after. So after the sharing preferably don’t talk about it ever. If you must, wait at least for 48 hours.
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