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How to say no without drama
“Life lessons are for learning”
How to say no without drama. When people meet two worlds come together. Those worlds are not always aligned with each other. Discovering the world, discovering your (future) partner makes you push limits, exploring possibilities. It happens however that you then cross boundaries that are not to be crossed. The other feels intruded or even abused. It’s more or less a (negative) vicious circle, frustration can set in. So how to say no without drama? How to say no in time?
For a reason
The meeting of two people is never a coincidence. It is for a reason. It is for a reason, for a season or for a lifetime together … Most people come on your path to give you the opportunity to learn a life lesson. The world is a mirror that you can look into, in order to get to know yourself. The people on your path give you a lot of information. The choice is yours to do something with it. The situations in your life are learning situations, the choice is yours if you want to see them.
Lessen our backpacks
We all have our backpack. Unprocessed things or traumas from the past that limit us in our life energy, in our being, in unleashing our full potential. But the universe is doing well for us. It brings people and situations on our path that have the potential to heal us again. And there are so many examples of this.
What often happens
(Romantic) encounters often have a dynamic that has two sides. In this article, I would like to elaborate on the example of the dynamics of attraction and repulsion as it takes place between men and women. The potential drama of “setting no limits” versus “the fear of rejection”. A woman who has trouble setting limits will flawlessly attract men who have problems with rejection. When a man and a woman meet, what then? What often happens is that (sexual) attraction makes the air crackle.
The man is strongly attracted (sexually) by female energy. He feels her craving, her desire for connection, the potential space that exists and that gives a strong attraction. But someone who is afraid of rejection is always holding back and a little suspicious. He also feels her pain, the fear and the vulnerability that surrounds the craving.
A mistake is quickly made
And then: yes-no-yeas … contact, touch, kiss … What to do? A wrong estimate is quickly made, and then rejection follows, so it is important to maneuver very cautious… The man also (unknowingly) feels his own issue, he feels the tension (of a possible rejection) in his body. The alarm bells ring! Careful! Because of these signals, he starts to restrain himself (even more), to restrain himself in his (sexual) energy. It feels a bit like accelerating in a car, but with the foot on the brake at the same time. Difficult and uncomfortable.
The woman also feels the attraction, the (sexual) tension in the air. She longs (perhaps also) for the contact, but is strongly inhibited. Often in the past there has been (an) painful situation(s) (perhaps due to some form of abuse) and the (child) belief has grown that “men are not safe”.
There’s fear of repetition
And because men’s energy is not considered safe, she also reacts with holding back her own energy. Her presence diminishes, she gives no, or unclear, or even double signals/reactions. Sometimes it is even difficult for her to stay in her body (due to a freezing / flight response). But anyway, where her limits lie, she sometimes doesn’t know herself and is therefore hardly felt and communicated.
Where the woman is more inclined to flee (freeze), the man is naturally more inclined to take up the situation (to fight) over time. Suppressing something always means that – sooner or later – a moment of acting-out comes and so eventually that will come! The energy builds up, the tension rises, so does the desire. He scraps his courage together … .. And then…
Then it is almost inevitable that the man will take a (too large) step and at a certain (unconscious) moment he will start using his hands, make an attempt at kissing and/or makes a very “suggestive remark”. And yes, then, of course, he does exactly what the woman is afraid of … He crosses the woman’s bounds (unintentionally).
The final conclusion is then: “See, I told you so…..”
The woman freezes in contact. She may withdraw completely. Or contrary: she may even have sex with the man unintentionally, but then feels terrible regret the next morning…. Men cross borders and women often let that happen! And, of course, it is much too late when – for both – the undesirable situation becomes painfully clear. The woman reacts too late and therefore often quite violently … See, I told you so you !!! no no no!! Get lost!!! The reaction is fierce and that triggers the man’s fear of rejection … See, I told you so you… And so a pattern remains and only burns in deeper. The drama is getting bigger and bigger … Frustration everywhere.
How to say no without drama – how to do that …
1. Bring awareness into the situation
They are beautiful vicious circles that you can end up in. Well, sometimes you just see it happen … But as you become more and more aware of what is going on with you (in your body), then you see/feel it happen!
And whether that actually happens is up to you! It is a choice! (Body) consciousness can help you to see what is about to happen and to stay out of it. Awareness is “constantly feeling how you are”. Feel your resistance coming into your body. Feel your desire. Does it feel uncomfortable? Then immediately ask yourself what’s the matter. What happens that makes you feel uncomfortable?
Awareness can help you to stay relaxed and natural and able to state what is happening when necessary. So that, on the one hand, you discover your limits in time and also guard them by telling them. The art, on the other hand, is to keep doing what you would like to do and not to take a (loving) “NO” or “not yet”, as rejection. Don’t take it too personally.
2. Preserve and push limits
Life is one big discovery game. We can see that with children. Everyone knows that children must discover the world. But that discovery always goes on. The world is constantly changing. No two days are the same. Our mind, however, wants everything to stay the same. But that is impossible. You are no longer the person from your childhood. Remember, you are no longer the adolescent. You may not even be the young God anymore. Discover every moment what there is to discover. Yesterday is finished and tomorrow is not there yet. The NOW is where discovery takes place.
Discovering is fun if you know how to do it appropriately. Getting to know each other is fun, at least if you don’t always fall into the same pitfalls. The preserving and pushing limits game is a dynamic game. What is possible at home (in private) is usually not possible in the supermarket (in public).
Be flexible with this and keep on feeling good. What / where are my limits? And what are my needs/desires? When does it become uncomfortable? What are my triggers? Am I hold back? Why? What am I afraid of … Are there routine (reaction) patterns active? What do I do if someone approaches my boundaries? How do I deal with rejection?
3. Keep communicating!
The standard ways that we have inherited from our primordial drifts, our standard response patterns, are fighting, fleeing or freezing. If you can’t fight or flee (which we often experience as a child), freezing is the third option (making you small, being quiet and doing nothing).
For an adult person, there is another option: being aware… Don’t flee, don’t fight, don’t freeze, be aware … Being aware of everything there is. And be totally present in everything you do. Feeling good and taking responsibility for what is there. And communicate from there! Speak out about what is going on, what you feel, what your desire is. And always speak in the I-form, keep it to yourself.
What would it be like if you just asked what the other person would like? If you would ask: can I sit close to you? Can I hug you? Can I touch you (breasts/body)? Do you want to make love with me? Can you then say: I feel right now…. Discomfort, tension, resistance, anger coming up … STOP!
I feel a limit right now. I’m not in the mood for this. This doesn’t feel right to me now and I want you to stop … Speak out! Be clear, be on time! And say it a little lovingly! Also, provide an alternative, give each other space to connect. What I could / would like is…. In short, indicate what possible … If you “do” this or that, it feels better.
What would it be like if the other person told you: I feel right now…. Discomfort, tension, confusion, uncertainty … HELP! I feel a desire at the moment, but I don’t really feel acknowledged in it. I don’t know what to do, and that doesn’t feel right to me and I want more clarity … What I would like is … Indicate what you would like …
Can you then say: that it would be wonderful to be held? And that caressing is absolutely fine. And that it takes some time to discover whether making love is also okay? Speak out! Be clear, be open and honest. Also, give space for an alternative, give each other space to connect.
Sharing is the key to preventing drama !!! Express your limits on time and be clear. Clear in what you want, honor and express your desires. Be honest to yourself and the other. Meeting each other is exciting and you can admit that. Getting to know each other is also taking risks by showing yourself.
How to say no without drama
5. Clean up old wounds
My conviction/statement is that everyone is responsible for their own well-being. If you put that outside yourself, you make someone else responsible for your own happiness and pain. Don’t make yourself a victim, but take responsibility. Old pain, unprocessed trauma, your (child) beliefs are yours and nobody else’s.
You can only feel what you feel. If something or someone touches you, if you are being triggered, if you have a reaction, feel pain or resistance or fear … … that is a good moment for reflection. Where does it come from? What old wound is it? It is a moment to test whether the emerging reaction pattern still suits you and the situation. Or if the way you deal with things makes you happy.
If you still respond from your (child) traumas from 20-30 years ago, that may not be what you want. If you want to live more from your heart, patterns that are based on fear (of repetition) usually no longer fit. Become aware of your old-pain (eg guilt/shame/anger about abuse). Accept that it is there, just let it be there and watch it with love.
And by this “lovingly embracing” you can release the pain little by little. By focusing your consciousness more on your inner self, you become more aware of your own qualities, your self-worth comes from within and you can see your (self-image) detached from the (critical) opinions of others. By accepting yourself and lovingly embracing your inner critic, you can gradually disconnect from the old pain of rejection.
How to say no without drama: stay aware
If you are constantly attacking, if you are constantly fleeing when you are triggered, then take a moment to look at what is touching/upsetting you. If you find yourself “freezing” again, carefully move your body. Look around, take a risk. Warm up the cold spots in your body and let the `freezing cold in your body disappear like snow in the sun. By releasing the energy that is behind your injuries, you come to life more and more.
People unintentionally harm each other. Maybe that will always be the case. That you cannot change. But you can take the time for your own personal cleanup. Let all those pent-up emotions come up (consciously and safely). Express your anger without harming anyone. It’s a big relief. Don’t put your grief away anymore, but express yourself, speak out and feel how it makes you lighter and lighter. Look your fear straight in the eye, be aware, factual and find out that all your fears are nothing more than a Fata Morgana.
Life without limits
Tantra has no real purpose, tantra is more focused on the journey. The road to enlightenment (the boundless). For us (Solana and me) at Online Tantra, “enjoyment, in love and consciousness” is the most important touchstone as to whether we are on the “right” path.
Going that way our life is becoming more and more borderless … But yes, in this life, as a (mind) person, it is necessary to set boundaries and to guard them. Everyone has their own “truth” and you should not compromise on what is true for you (so keep a firm watch on your limits). Saying yes to your No is very okay.
For the rest, it is a matter of trust. Trust that the universe will bring you whatever you need for your personal growth. And that you cannot do it “wrong”. If you have not sufficiently guarded your limits, something might happen that you do not want, but in the larger picture, it is necessary. If you want a new job, you sometimes have to get fired … Trust is knowing that things will always be okay. Trust makes limitless.
How to say no without drama – in summary
Saying no without drama
Hearing no without drama
Back to the key article tantric relationships
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