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How to deal with what you don’t understand / what is “unfair”

How to deal with what you don’t understand / what is “unfair”. This is part 1 of two articles that deal with how to deal with situations and events that are incomprehensible and/or unfair.

Part 1: “How to deal with what you don’t understand / what is“ unfair ”
Part 2: “What helps to better assess situations / improve your response


How situations and events can be …

Incomprehensible

Some things just cannot be understood. How beautiful nature is, for example. Everything fits together perfectly, everything is attached to everything, everything changes constantly… and it has worked fine for millions of years. Why are there storms, why are there fires, why are there diseases? Not understandable, but part of a very complex, fantastic whole. A “beautiful” example of incomprehensible.

It is incomprehensible that IS fighters chop people’s heads off, that people are capable of the most terrible things. Corona? What happens today is incomprehensible. It’s a form of incomprehensible that is absolutely terrifying.

In between … a whole range of situations and events that are equally incomprehensible.

Unfair

Some things are also just unfair. Why does one bathe in opulence and another die of hunger? It is unfairly distributed in the world. Some things also feel unfair while apparently nothing wrong is going on. Human rights are fortunate to create a safety net, a measure of fairness in the world. And yet… a whole range of unfair situations and events remain.

… Depends on your (life) experience

What is incomprehensible or unfair depends a lot on what you are used to. For a surgeon, things are understandable that is unintelligible to a layperson. What is perfectly normal in one culture is completely incomprehensible in another culture (e.g. say yes and mean no). What is “fair” also depends on what you have experienced or consider “normal”. Whether the situations and events are incomprehensible and/or fair is therefore quite subjective or highly dependent on the life experience of the person who sees the situation. So there is no universal answer to “what to do”. There may be only an indicative idea of how to deal with it.


How to deal with what you don’t understand / what is “unfair”

1. Recognize the situation and your reaction to it

Recognize the situation

In order to deal with things that you do not understand or are unfair, you must first recognize them! This is something I don’t understand! I think this is unfair! Whoever lumps the situation and the reaction together, never learns to deal with it because then there is only one stream of energy.

Step back

So first make a distinction between the situation and/or event and your reaction to it. Awareness is necessary for this. By taking a step back (sometimes literally) you can better see what is going on. Someone does something (event) and you become happy/angry / anxious (reaction). Those are two different things!

2. Let all emotion be there

How to deal with what you don't understandBefore you can assess the situation, it is important to first let your feelings / emotions be there. We have learned to either suppress our emotions / reactions. Or vice versa: out of habit we throw out our emotions / reactions directly and unfiltered (which is acting out). A third possibility is to fully honor your feeling / emotion as something that already exists and to let that emotion be there completely.

So be happy / angry / sad / anxious! It is NOT necessary to suppress your feelings. It is also not necessary and usually undesirable to act them out. Don’t suppress, don’t act out (overdo it). Step back and see how happy/angry/anxious you are. See it and let it be there completely.

It’s ok to be angry. Acting angry is something completely different!

3. Assess the situation / event

If you are in immediate danger, you must also respond immediately. Fortunately, that usually happens automatically, we have a super nice protection system (reptilian brain) for that. Sometimes, however, the primary (animal) reaction is not the right one. Fortunately, we are human, we have higher consciousness! By consciously looking at the situation, you can get a flash of insight and you suddenly understand the situation (better). What seems unfair may be fair upon closer inspection. Some conscious reflection is therefore appropriate.

See if your first response is appropriate

If you make a distinction between the situation and your reaction / emotion, you have time to check whether your reaction is appropriate / attuned. It will not be the first time that we overreact to something “small”. Pent-up irritations suddenly come out and you dump them on the wrong person at the wrong time. Positive responses don’t need as much consideration (although?), it’s mostly about negative reactions. Do you really have to hit back? You don’t have to “swallow” anything, but you can look at it from all/both angles. Putting it into perspective can also help. Is this really that important? Happiness is a choice, so you can also choose to let things go.

Ask for an explanation

What you don’t understand may be explained to you by someone else. So maybe you can start a conversation? Just ask how it is, why someone does something. What is happening here? Would you explain it to me? In most cases this is possible and it solves the whole puzzle! If you can’t communicate, you may wonder if you can’t just leave it with the other person. Not everything has to do with you personally, sometimes people just have to “release” something. Done, finished, no response needed, just continue.

Don’t analyze everything

Life is a miracle. How a fetus grows, how a child grows up, is a mysterious event, incomprehensible! In most cases, just allow the incomprehensible to remain incomprehensible. It is better to learn to enjoy the magic. Let go of your judgments and live fully with everything that presents itself in the “now”.


How to deal with what you don’t understand


4. Give a response

How nice would it be if everybody enjoyed themselves and were able to give a loving response to in-it-self incomprehensible and/or unfair situations?

Choose your starting position

Do you want to live with an open heart (loving) or is “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” your mantra in life? Choose! You are free to fight and retaliate, but do you really want to? Yes, you don’t have to accept everything but choose your priorities carefully (choose your battlefield wisely). You can act out of fear but is that the most sensible and loving thing to do? Love or fear? What is the starting point going to be?

Wait 24 hours for your response

A very nice one that I have been carrying with me for a long time is to wait 24 hours with your response. Were you angry? Well after 24 hours that has dropped and you can maybe even laugh about it. We have such a short fuse, are often so tense. Not necessary at all.

Come back to it later on

A variant of the 24-hour rule is (immediately) writing down what is going on with you. Your primary reaction may just be there, at least in words. You can read back what you have written down and – if necessary – still say it / send it. A nice way to give a response (to your loved ones) is by using the “sharing” way. You speak out and the other person listens without response. This way you can blow off steam without hurting the other person.

Accept it

The oldest must always be “the wisest”. I don’t know if that’s always the case, but sometimes it is a nice solution. It is also useful to accept those situations / events that you will never be able to change. Yes, it rains, yes you have rained completely wet, but you will never be able to do anything about “rain”. So just put up with that and be smart about it. Maybe that’s more convenient …

Show compassion

Compassion… If you put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you will soon find out that you might actually have done the same in his/her place. Phew that is a scare? At the same time, it is also very liberating to realize that it can happen to you just like that. Sometimes you – unconsciously – do things that have major consequences for someone else. You also can make a annoying remark, you also can make a mistake … So show some compassion.

5. Focus on completion

Acceptance

And so you can take events to a higher level, a higher level of consciousness. In a broader picture, the “little things” are not that important at all. In a broader perspective, you don’t have to worry about it at all. Things happen, you don’t have to understand them, you don’t even have to do anything about them. The world keeps turning, your reaction does not change that.

Closure

Energetically, despite all the above tips, there may still be a residue. You must have reacted physically to the situation. Chances are that adrenaline has been created, tension is present in your body. Energy that has accumulated in your body. It is then wise to discharge. Just go for a walk, just hit a boxing ball. Get some fresh air, just shout / sing / laugh in the open air. What does it take to have closure? Know it and finish up. Be ready for a new moment.


the emotion may be there
the action doesn’t have to be / can be omitted


Suggested reading

Part 2: “What helps to better assess situations / improve your response

How to deal with fear

What is sharing

 


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Satori de Ruijter

Hi, my name is Satori. You could say that I am enjoying life very much. Always looking at the bright side. My passion and lifestyle is tantra. Tantra is in my life for more than 20 years now. My wife and I fully enjoy it. We gave tantric workshops for many years. Now retired, but we have online tantra websites (ENG/NL). See online-tantra.com or .NL

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