How to deal with jealousy
Jealousy is an emotionally loaded word, a loaded subject. In this article some reflections of what I personally have learned about jealousy in my life. Not that this is shocking or the absolute truth, but maybe it can help you to deal better with jealousy.
What is jealousy?
In general, jealousy has to do with the following items:
- You want (also) what someone else has received or owns.
- Maybe you (also) want to do what someone else does or has done.
- You want someone else to have something (because you are bothered by it).
- You want someone else not to do something (because that makes you anxious and/or insecure).
In love relationships, often another person comes into the picture with whom an intimate (emotional) and/or sexual relationship is created. Your partner does things with the other person, but (most of the time) not / not as often (anymore) with you … Jealousy arises. The core of this emotion comes from a number of basic thoughts:
Cause (love is scarce and exclusive)
- I am not good enough.
- He/she does not love me enough.
Consequence (fear and uncertainty)
- He/she runs away with the other person.
- I will fall short (soon).
Jealousy in love relationships
In the following, I will only discuss “jealousy in love relationships”. My statement is that jealousy is a more or less natural phenomenon. There are only a few people who do not know/have known any jealousy in their lives. If you are in connection with yourself, in connection with your partner and in connection with existence, then no jealousy is possible. Unfortunately, this is a state of being that is reserved for very few of us. Most of us have a number of “shells”, shielding walls built around our core (essence).
Our deepest being, however, is not separate from others, existence. If you are “there”, jealousy is impossible. However, the mind creates separation. Where “I” and “you/they” arise, jealousy becomes a more or less natural phenomenon. An emotion that we, like all others, can experience as pleasure or pain. So the question is not how to avoid jealousy, the question is how to deal with this.
How to deal with your jealousy
1. Create awareness
Well, the same self-awareness that creates jealousy can also help you deal with it more relaxed. Recognize your feelings: jealousy is a complex emotion. What is it? Disappointment, sadness, anger? What is going on? Know what makes you jealous; look carefully at the cause. That knowledge can already help you. As stated, jealousy is, in particular, a natural human phenomenon. Healthy jealousy is beautiful! Too much gives a lot of tension. Too little is not a good sign (indifference).
Suppressed sexual energy and jealousy have a lot to do with each other. In men in particular, it provokes jealousy if the partner has sex with another man. Emotional issues are more important for women. The (beautiful) emotional bond that the partner has with the other woman is then very threatened. The idea alone can be very threatening.
Either way, consciousness is the key to a happier life. Look at your jealousy, look at where it comes from. Embrace jealousy, embrace all emotion with love. It may not be pleasurable, but let it be. Look where it comes from. Take thing more relative and see what is really important in your life. Cherish the good. Try to enjoy your jealousy. Everything else passes.
2. Self-esteem – boost your self-esteem
The core of all jealousy is a lack of self-worth. The number 1 cause of jealousy is the thought: “I am not good enough”. From childhood, we have been confronted with a negative self-image. This is not good, it must be different. We are so afraid not to belong (anymore). Our lack of self-esteem makes us crave attention and love. We do almost everything for that. We have also learned all kinds of role patterns/rules, safety locks to hide our lack of self-esteem. But then the moment always comes that it fails to work. The partner does (or doesn’t) something and then all that safety falls away quickly. Auw … then suddenly that deep sense of worthlessness and inadequacy reappears.
See…. I am …
Our image cannot protect us either. The stronger your image, the greater the dents that you will / may incur. The solution is to return more and more to your natural self / your authentic being: you are perfect, exactly as you are. Stop begging for love and recognition. Let go of the thought that something is wrong with you! You don’t have to change at all! You are completely ok, exactly as you are. Stop comparing, stop competing. Stop “proving” yourself by wanting to meet all those impossible and conflicting demands and rules. If you think you are good enough, that big burden on your shoulders will vanish miraculously. Love yourself, stand on your own two feet and enjoy the confidence in yourself.
3. Live from your heart
The mind always creates separation, sets standards, sets limits. Your mind is always fighting. The mind also reduces everything to a manipulable “thing”.
But your partner is not a thing. You cannot own your partner the way you own your car. Jealousy comes from control, from rules, from all kinds of conditions from the ego (what is right and wrong). So if you want to learn to deal with jealousy, then live more from your heart. The heart is unconditional. Learn to deal with uncertainty. Know that a relationship does not offer you certainty, that is only the illusion that your mind creates.
Never see your partner as a possession; don’t ever reduce him/her to an object. Live more in the moment; live from your heart. Give and receive back 10/100/1000 x of what you give. True love comes directly from the heart. True love = trust. You are ok, he/she is ok, it is always ok. Whatever it is.
How to deal with jealousy
4. Accept uncertainty
I already wrote it, but dare to live with uncertainty / changing patterns. The mind cannot handle uncertainty at all. But life IS uncertain, only death is certain (is it?). The world is constantly changing, your relationship is constantly changing, you are constantly changing. You cannot step into the same river twice. So why would you want to freeze all kinds of behavioral (rules), agreements, limits? The only thing that will happen is that your life then moves to the freezer! It’s getting really cold! The marriage (relationship) is sham security, agreements are sham security.
Dare to live in/with uncertainty. Don’t turn your life into a prison … Live !!! Let go! Live life and love to be carried away. Set (in the beginning) here and there may be (still for safety) a number of important limits. But do not try to fight against the inevitable (and everything passes). Take steps; Get used to living in uncertainty. Go with the flow. Live. Have FUN!
5. Think in abundance
The core of Calvinistic thinking is that there is scarcity. The economic principle has devoured our daily lives. Nothing is free of charge, you have to earn it … Cause number 2 of jealousy is the thought: “he/she doesn’t love me enough”. But what would happen if you think in abundance? What if there is no scarcity? If everything that your heart can imagine can actually happen. In fact … if it is ready to manifest itself to you as soon as you are ready? There is no scarcity, but abundance.
Don’t limit yourself
Everything in this world is energy, and energy is infinitely available. Do not limit yourself, don’t make yourself a beggar. You are an emperor! How many children can you love? How many partners can you love? Don’t make intimacy/love something exclusive. What goes to one does not come at the expense of the other. There is abundance! What goes to someone else is not at the expense of you. Dare to give and just go through life radiantly. If you are overflowing with love, why would you miss it? Enough remains, so give… And everything you need also comes to you; dare to receive. There is always a loving partner available for you. Don’t limit yourself by thinking that this is only that (unreachable/unreliable) one. Be open to what life has to offer, to what suits you.
It will be clear that in this vision your partner can never sell you short. That there is no reason for jealousy! There is abundance! Your options are limitless, so why be jealous? Your love is limitless, so why should you focus on 1 person? And if you yourself are full of love, who will refuse that? Who would reject such a gift? Also, rely on your own experience. Because how wonderful it is to be able to enjoy something pleasurable with someone else and to notice that this in no way detracts from the love for your partner.
6. Show dedication
Well and if you are still jealous, see and go beyond your own little ego. Treat yourself with the same measuring rod as your partner. Okay, it’s not fine for you, but don’t you wish your partner heaven? Would you not actually bring him/her there? Stop bargaining! Make a beautiful circle of giving and receiving. Give unconditionally. Put yourself aside and think about what’s good for your partner. Consider what the other person needs. She/he apparently made that choice, so then it’s okay! Put yourself there, what kind of reaction would you like in his/her situation?
That is true love: always, everywhere, absolute faith in your partner. If you really love someone, you even allow him/her to fall in love with someone else. If that happens, it has a reason. Apparently, this is necessary in the life of your partner. Your life doesn’t have to be destroyed! You may end up going alone or with another partner, but his / her happiness is not at the expense of yours! Your ego may be a little dented, but your authentic self hasn’t been touched.
How to deal with jealousy
7. Introduce open/honest communication
If there is something that has been important in my life, in my relationship (s), then it is the necessity, the blessing of open and honest communication. Share your feelings !! Don’t suppress, don’t indulge, share! Share your desires !!
Don’t suppress, don’t indulge, share! And in that sharing, it is important that there is no judgment. That your thoughts, that your feelings, that everything is allowed to be there, as it is. If you share it, the burden usually falls directly off of you. It prevents jealousy thoughts from getting the upper hand and making you crazy. Furthermore, a deep alignment can arise in that sharing. Everyone remains free to do/say feel what he/she wants, but sharing creates a very important, subtle alignment. Communication gives (early) signals that precede action. “Cheating” is a consequence (need for sex for men; being unhappy for women), the signals (need/desire) are given well in advance. So know the importance of sharing.
8. Take responsibility
Taking responsibility for your own life is also an important starting point for dealing better with jealousy. Take responsibility for your own needs and desires. Don’t suppress, don’t indulge. Don’t project your own fears and insecurities on your partner (what would happen if ..). Do not become a doom thinker or fantasist. That you might do something in the same situation does not mean that your partner actually does that. Are you afraid that your partner will leave you? Then ask yourself what YOU would do in this situation. There is a good chance that you are only projecting your own thoughts. Take responsibility and stick to the facts.
Also don’t project your own sense of guilt or shame on your partner (I would like to, but …). For example, would you like to have an exciting date, but are you a bit ashamed of it? Or did you ever do that and do you still feel guilty about it? There is a good chance that you will see an exciting date (shame) in every appointment from your partner. Haha, logical that you are jealous. Projection, plain and simple !! Don’t judge your thoughts and/or feelings, but take responsibility for them. Don’t pour your shit on your partner. That saves a lot of trouble.
9. (Build) Trust
Love = trust. If you really love someone, your trust is unconditional and limitless. Your bodies, too, often know very well what it is like to be comfortable together. If love is more in your head, try to unmask your mind. Your mind is extremely conditional and it’s easy to transform mental love into hate. Has the trust of the mind been damaged? Then try to get out of your mind, more into your body, to your heart.
Out of your mind: let go of control. If you are jealous than don’t check on your partner. Do not check his / her gaits, restrain your tendency to read text messages and the like. Just look at all those jealous thoughts and laugh a little about it. Know that these thoughts will also pass, you don’t have to do anything with it. Share them if you can. Relax.
Into your body: Breathe and try to relax. Dance, sport, exercise. Grow trust by being physically intimate again (in silence). Let your bodies find the way to each other again. Don’t suppress, don’t indulge.
To your heart: Have faith in yourself; in your partner; love = trust.
That life – even if it’s difficult for a while – brings you what you need
and that it often becomes even more beautiful after a difficult step,
because then you have become freer, you have let go of old patterns
and can gain new experiences that you were previously closed off for.
10. Happiness happens when you fit with your life
And finally. Happiness happens when you fit with your life. Dare to go for the things that make you happy (from the inside). Don’t get stuck in a situation with a partner that makes you unhappy. Of course, it is not your partner’s fault, but the fact that he/she and/or the patterns you are stuck in don’t really suit you. Then take your responsibility! Stop haggling, talking right: “It will get better tomorrow” or “I’ll do it differently tomorrow”. That’s how it works, every day so far. Dare to choose your own happiness. Change your patterns! Adjust your patterns so that they match better with who you really are. What you really want. Change your mind, job, partner, situation. Change your patterns! Connect with yourself and see what comes up.
“Love cannot be jealous, it is impossible. She always has faith and if there is something that will destroy your trust, you have to accept that. There is nothing you can do about it because whatever you do, it will destroy the other. Trust cannot be forced; jealousy tries to force her. Jealousy tries everything, it lets you do everything so that trust can continue to exist. But trust is not something that can be enforced: it is there or it is not there. If it’s there, be happy with it and if it’s not there, you better separate. ”
Jealousy and cheating
In this article, I have not placed any particular emphasis on jealousy in relation to cheating. “Cheating” is often mentioned as THE reason for jealousy. I think this is only true to a limited extent. Better see sex as a messenger, the real reason (s) lie deeper. See the items from the above article. In this regard, it is also nice to read the article:
Leave the jealousy with him/her
- Accept your partner in everything he/she is (so also in the jealousy)
- Don’t let it get to you / take good care of yourself
- Let him/her read this article
- Help your partner to deal with it
- Take care of togetherness, quality time
Back to the key article Tantric relationships
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