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Guarding boundaries as well as pushing limits

Boundaries is a subject that regularly returns in tantra.

How can I guard my boundaries

As well as pushing limits

How to live a limitless life.


Tantra is aimless, tantra is the path of love, the path to enlightenment (the formless). For us (Solana and Satori) happiness, in love and consciousness, is the biggest check whether we are on track. Being on the tantric path our lives are becoming more and more limitless. Then again, in this life, as humans, it’s necessary to set and guard boundaries. At the same time, we are lovingly researching our limits, consciously pushing them and eventually removing those limits.

In this article, you’ll find some insights as they presented themselves to us. We start with a summary, followed by more extensive arguments. Enjoy reading!


Summary

Boundaries are very helpful, yet only tools of the human mind. Your mind (ego) is selective, sets conditions, therefore sets boundaries. Because it feels hurt very easily. Your body has preferences, your heart is unconditional, your soul is limitless. Thats why we have this deep longing for connection, for melting together, for becoming one. 

Boundaries are necessary and you guard them by your PRESENCE, by your radiance!!! Show yourself and clearly indicate what you DO  want, what you prefer and like. Prevent (power) abuse and give counter pressure.Be very clear in your signals!

Fear, shame, insecurity give bad advice about your limits. Look very carefully if your boundaries are really yours, or that you just copied them. Boundaries are subjective, relative, situational. So look whether those boundaries are still needed. Look conscious, fresh and with love. Get rid of ballast, and absolutely stay with your truth!  

Guarding boundaries is also fun and exciting. Pushing limits makes you feel alive, and flowing again. Be aware that personal growth is synonym with pushing boundaries. The experience that true connection, this love energy, make limits fades away. Youre not what you own, youre not what you think (ego), youre not your body. Open up! Accept uncertainty in your life. Think less, feel more and live in love. Give!

Self-confidence, acceptance make tight boundaries obsolete. Living in Love and Consciousness is living a limitless life. Because in essence, we are all one.

How can I guard my boundaries


What are boundaries

So, what are we actually talking about? ‘Boundaries’ is an extended concept. Let’s just say that this article is about “standards” governing the interaction between two people. Both have their own ideas about what can,  cannot, may and is desired. Boundaries have to do with values, norms, where we agree on, in general, or the two of you.

The human mind is limited and can’t handle uncertainty. Therefore we like to name things. We create the world around us in limited “things” which we give a name. Which is handy, because it ‘s easier to communicate that way. A chair is not a table.  A painting is no sculpture. You are someone else than the other. Borders are auxiliary constructions from the mind.


Boundaries are necessary

Boundaries are the borders of a country or property and have in that way a very natural character. E.g. a river or sea as the border of a country. Or the limit (minimum, maximum) of the temperature you can tolerate. And think of the natural boundaries in between the areas where you feel comfortable or not, which have both a physical (the distance from one another) as well as a spiritual component (how we relate to each other).

So, where people meet, interaction occurs. The situation is sensed, and there is a testing of the limits (mentally/physically), and boundaries are set.  It happens in interaction, with pressure and counter-pressure. And in that process, a boundary, a (power) balance point is created. (Predetermined) Limits are therefore needed to say “this far and no further”. These are preferably personal boundaries, but of course, they are embedded in all kinds of cultural and social standards.

Borders are not only convenient but also needed to maintain a balance. and to prevent (power) abuse, physically, mentally and spiritually. Boundaries regulate our daily life and that is nice and practical. Till a certain limit. Because when everything is regulated… If the limits are too rigid, too tight, then the free space is also limited. So that we don’t feel comfortable anymore.

Preferences = creating boundaries

Boundaries are related to our preferences. De division between what we like and don’t like. Those preferences are mainly culturally determined. Our social environment and social pressure influence those boundaries highly.  Boundaries are also depending on the situation. What is allowed in one situation, isn’t in the other. How you can behave in a tantra workshop, won’t be allowed (most of the time) in public. Your personal preferences are determined by your personal boundaries.  And also by what you are used to, your experiences.

Radiating = guarding boundaries

In reality, boundaries don’t exist, they are just helping facilities of the mind.  That’s why sometimes things go wrong in the interaction between persons. One is exceeding the boundaries of the other! Well, there is a whole range of books written on this subject, so forgive us this very (maybe too simple) solution: the best way to guard your boundaries is to be loud and clear about them, and radiate where/what they are. Don’t hide, be shy about them… Give clear signals!!! With your total appearances, your energy, your body language, your voice …

Tell your limits

Tell what/how you want it, and what your limits are. Especially with important things. Be as consistent as possible, that helps. Speak for yourself, use “I”; it’s about your preferences and boundaries. Focus on what you dó want, instead of on what you do nót. Because the Law of Attractions is valid here. You get what you ask, where your attention goes. Some people seem “to have asked for” the trespassing of their boundaries. And some people never have any problem with it. The difference is decided by your appearance, by what you radiate.

And if it looks like somebody is going to trespass – it’s just as important to notice the signals from somebody who might step across your borders –  then be alert. But stick to the facts, don’t fill in, don’t project… And also watch yourself. You won’t be the first who isn’t aware of his/her own addiction (drinking, sex, gambling). So take care, and don’t lose yourself! And in the unpredictable situation that one is still crossing your borders …

Dont suppress, dont indulge. 

Be alert and speak out as soon as possible. Immediately deal with the situation. Tell the other that (s)he trespasses your borders. Tell how it happened, in what way, and how you feel about it. And speak for yourself. Don’t suppress: put it in the freezer (like you collapse), because it might create a trauma. Don’t indulge: direct your rage or sorrow at the other. Just be clear about what it does to you, and also be clear about the consequences/sanctions it will have in your relationship.


Connecting = respecting boundaries

You don’t have to protect the boundaries from someone else. Everyone has his own responsibility. Unconscious people don’t live attuned. So provide a clear wake-up call if the other is not (so much) connected. Hello!!!! Somebody home??

When you try to connect to others around you, attunement takes place, you don’t have to do anything for it. So look for a connection. Connection and consciousness will provide respect for (your) boundaries. If you are really connected to someone, it will be quite difficult for you to trespass his borders. You feel/notice the signals very clear en decide your actions. Living in love and consciousness also means act lovingly. Live lovingly means more attunement, being aware of the needs of the other. There is more than just you / your ego. More consciousness means: feeling more, better, where limits are set.  Noticing the signals.


(Wanting to) Discover = pushing boundaries

We are born without boundaries. And then we are stuffed with norms and values. Then habits and boundaries are created. Society, your family, decide the borders. THE borders become YOUR borders. But….? Are they really yóur limits? Or did you unconsciously accept and integrate them? Discovering yourself is looking for your boundaries, knowing them, and testing them. Discovering what’s behind them.

(Wanting to) discover is to live with love instead of with fear. Lots of boundaries are based on fear (of the ego) to lose. Getting, grabbing, taking… The ego feels itself getting short so easily. Look for the source of your boundaries: is it fear, is the fear based on reality? Is the source in the past or still actual?? Do they still fit in your life? If you want to live, to discover, then it might be handy to change your perception. To stop projecting, and stick to the facts. “If..-then…” is a mind game.

Personal growth is pushing boundaries. How can you develop if you don’t look any further than the length of your nose (=border)? Learning process = pushing boundaries. Sometimes slow, sometimes fast. A fact is that most people change step by step.  That they push their boundaries step by step.  Everything balanced.  That’s also easier for the environment, big steps are less easy to comprehend for your beloveds.


Trust = removing boundaries

Boundaries are about safety, protection. But what’s to protect? Boundaries are about dealing “better” with insecurity. Burt how there’s boundless trust? If your self-esteem is high enough, is like a protective layer around you. Trust is knowing everything is/will be okay. Secondly, trust is accepting of the here and now. Trust is a positive view (on the future). Say YES instead of No. Trust also is: let go of the past, the traumas. History doesn’t repeat itself unless you ask for it. Trust creates boundlessness…


Bliss = infinity

Living in love and consciousness is BLISS.  When giving comes instead of taking… then what’s the meaning of boundaries? Who believes in love, believes in abundance, and gives abundantly. What you sow, you will harvest. Who live in love, had the same measurements for himself and for others… what you don’t want to happen to you, you don’t do someone else. Who lives in the here and now lives! And discovers that the world is borderless.


Want to live more limitless?

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>> Key article on Conscious Living


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Guarding boundaries as well as pushing limits
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Satori de Ruijter

Hi, my name is Satori. You could say that I am enjoying life very much. Always looking at the bright side. My passion and lifestyle is tantra. Tantra is in my life for more than 20 years now. My wife and I fully enjoy it. We gave tantric workshops for many years. Now retired, but we have online tantra websites (ENG/NL). See online-tantra.com or .NL

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